What I’ve learned.
As this year winds down to a close I can’t help but reflect on these past 12 months with such gratitude and excitement. It feels like just yesterday that we just welcomed 2016. I promised myself it was going to be my best year yet. For the most part it was. I really leaned into myself this year. I really allowed myself to explore. It feels like I learned a lot about the girl I once was and the woman I am becoming. I never thought they would be able to meet in the middle. I didn’t think I would have been able to bring that little girl along. The funny thing about healing and growing is that we sometimes think once it happens our inner child just magically disappears back to wherever magical place she/he has been hiding. Not true. I finally understand the lessons my soul set up not just to heal my inner child but to be courageous enough to love strong and hard without fearing vulnerability.
I came to a place of understanding and compassion with my aging parents. I understand that in order to have a relationship with my contentious sister I needed to take a step back and be loving and compassionate. TO MYSELF. Whatever situation I found myself in this year I knew it would somehow serve me as a lesson. Something to overcome. I know if I reacted the way I used to I would get the same results. I no longer wish to live the way I used to. By default. I am a conscious creator. Amazing possibilities unfold before me everyday and it’s up to me to get out of the way and allow the universe to do it’s job.
A wonderful thing happens when you heal. A shift takes place and it’s almost as if it wipes the slate clean and allows you to become the spectator of your thoughts. Allowing your best self to shine through. Allowing you to see where you may have been your own saboteur. It feels good to no longer hurt the way I once did. I feels good to no longer reach for a crutch or addiction to deal with problems. It feels good to no longer have problems. Life isn’t perfect but life is also what you make of it. My life is awesome & getting grander everyday. I have opportunities. Everyday. I have options. Everyday. I no longer wish to fear the unknown. I’ve come to a place where I have trained myself to love uncertainty. It means ANYTHING is possible. I no longer subscribe to anything that doesn’t make me feel good. That includes family, friends and even news/media.
The real takeaway is that you can deliberately plan out your day in advance and step back and watch it unfold. I have a long list of things I’d like to accomplish in 2017 and I know each and every single thing will be accomplished. In some form. We as humans get too caught up in details so much so that we suffocate and resist what is trying to make its way into our consciousness. I struggled a little with myself this year saying, “I want this to happen this way or I need this to be happy and less stressed or I have to have what others have essentially” but as hard as I tried to make that happen I was only pushing all the blessings away. I constantly reminded myself that what I was resisting were the very things I wanted and I needed to chill instead of by getting caught up with details.
I’ve learned to STEP BACK and ALLOW. The generalities of what I desire have come to me and continue to come to me everyday. For instance I want happiness. I want to be happy everyday. For the most part I was and continue to be; not fake happy but generally happy. I think because I gave myself permission to feel whatever feeling I was feeling without labeling it or judging it. I know I am a very happy and content woman so if I was feeling anything less than it was because I needed to tune in and see what my soul was trying to say. Usually it was an old outdated thought pattern or belief that was ready to release itself because it has taught me what I needed to learn. Growth is a funny business. It happens even when your not looking. I’ve noticed I’m not angry anymore. I’m not agitated anymore. I’m not resentful anymore. Sure, there are days where I really need to “Take a deep breath” but nothing that disturbs my inner peace. That is my most treasured asset. My favorite gift. That and proper discernment. I believe I’ve always had both but somehow it got lost for a little while.
Even as I write this I feel such a beautiful unravel. Life is now how I want it. I remind myself daily patience is key. Love and happiness are inherent and contentment is a choice. You have to decide that you want to be content. There’s so many reasons in this noisy world that try to sway your mind otherwise forcing you to compare and judge and hate and fear but I think as long as you make the conscious choice everyday to show up for yourself (never leave yourself behind) and choose to live a life that defies logical reasoning you will succeed. You can’t live by comparison. You can’t live by envy. You can’t live negative and expect a positive outcome. I think everything takes time to catch up to you because whether we know it or not we are creating every second of everyday, even if it is by default. The universe needs time to catch up to the many desires of the day. Everyday. We live in a society of instant gratification that we forget how we used to live before that. Things take time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Trees and flowers are planted and take time to grow strong and bloom. A Rolls-Royce takes 6 months to build. A dream home takes about a year from scratch to customize. I think if we can remind ourselves that we are progressing even if it doesn’t look like it we will be ok. We need to be our own cheerleader even on the dark days. We are love and light inherently. Once we accept that as our personal truth we can drop any part of us that doesn’t believe it. Love and accept ourselves unconditionally. We don’t need to look to outside sources for validation or acceptance.
Staring outside my window on this beautiful rainy December morning I’m reminded by my inner gps that the universe is doing what it does best. Making sure all that no longer serves my highest and greatest good is being washed away to get ready for the new year. All the past hurt, disappointments, shame, guilt, times when I didn’t feel good enough, all the past lovers all the fake friends are being removed. My wondrous glorious seeds that I’ve planted this year and all the seeds I’d planted in the years prior needed a good watering from my favorite gardener in order to bloom into the most glorious blossoms. It’s a beautiful cycle of life. All that’s dead falls away. All that is new emerges.
This journey is not so much about becoming as it is about unbecoming. To remember what we have forgotten. To know no matter how much we try to force our plans, life will never quite work out the way we thought. We will eventually have to give into a power greater than us knows best. Bringing us to the perfect place at the perfect time. All we need to do is trust.
Anastasia- Holy crap. Thank you for submitting this. You were able to put down in words so many of the things I have been thinking lately. I wish everyone could print this out and read it every morning during 2017. While so much of it is something we have probably heard before, if we would actually put into practice the things you have outlined here- we would all have incredible degrees of personal growth and introspection this next year. I too have learned some of these same lessons in 2016. It’s funny- I remember at this time last year I was saying “Ok, 2016 is coming… I’m going to dominate 2016 and it’s going to be awesome and I’m going to do x, y, and z and I’m going to blah blah blah”. I was sooooo hopeful about 2016. 2015 had been a little rough with some trials and challenges- but 2016 was going to be different… I’d dealt with 2015 and I’d grown and I was ready for 2016 to be different. 2016 was going to be easy. 2016 was going to make up for everything that 2015 wasn’t. I was ready. I was willing. I was naive. Little did I know that my trials and challenges were just starting and 2016 was going to completely bring me to my knees.
There have been some awesome parts of 2016 for sure…. we got our third baby boy here safe and sound and he is an absolutely wonder. However, 2016 also brought more trials and challenges than I ever imagined possible with my husband being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. “Growth is a funny business” could not be a more true statement. There have been times this year when I wasn’t sure I was going to survive….it’s been an emotional roller coaster and my stress levels have been through the roof. I feel like everything I knew previously, and so perfectly controlled has unraveled and caused me to learn to submit to what is, not what was or what it was I demanded. I have learned to see the miracles in everything (and there have been many). I don’t know what I am becoming, but I do know that I am unbecoming everything I once was. I have learned to see the lesson in everything and believe it or not, I am more hopeful than ever. There is a greater plan at play here and I submit myself to that and know that come what may- we are going to be okay.
Here’s to 2017! One way or another, 2017 is going to be awesome. It’ll be a flagship year in our journey to becoming who we are divinely gifted to be. – Kate