“I never expected to become a drug addict…”

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Hello! My name is Cristina Granados. I am a 33 year old drug addict survivor. My IG name is kitikatlove. Here is my story…..I never expected to become a drug addict. I grew up in sunny Southern California. I played sports and had well rounded friends. My family loved me the best they could at the time. In 6th grade I started having social anxiety. I was obsessive compulsive and food become my first addiction. I rapidly gained weight over the years and was excluded and bullied for being the fat girl. I was 11 when I smoked pot and 12 when I had my first experience with speed. Little did I know that years later speed would become my purpose of living. My grades started to drop, I missed school often and I sank further into my depression. I would lock myself in my room and eat myself into a haze. Feeling disgusted and ashamed I would then beat myself up for not behaving. Pulling my hair out, picking at my face and hitting myself was the norm for me. Once I graduated high school I was introduced to heavier drugs. I loved feeling invincible, confident and comfortable. Drugs did what no man, friend, sport, etc could do for me. I was off and running and with a slew of men to keep me feeling desired.

During my early and mid 20’s I was a black out drinker. I would polish off a 12 pack along with several shots and wake up with no recollection of what I had done while under the influence. I lost friends, jobs and the motivation to stay in college. My eating disorder came back with a vengeance. I hated myself and what I had to offer, nothing. Alcohol and cocaine would keep my eating disorder quiet enough for me to get through most days. I got pregnant at the age of 26 and experienced the most painful heart ache to date. I was sober during my pregnancy and felt like I was finally turning a new leaf in life. Several months after my daughter was born I turned to alcohol once again. I would drive with her in the car completely blacked out. A year and a half into motherhood I experimented with speed once again. Suddenly I didn’t feel sad, worried or disgusted. The high was so intense it was unbelievable. I felt powerful and beautiful. I quickly learned how to get what I wanted by manipulating men with my sexual aura. The drugs flowed, there was always a non-stop supply.

I became a regular at the dope house. I would couch surf and a lot of the time I would bring my daughter with me. I fell asleep behind the wheel and I had my daughter in the car. My license was revoked and I was still unable to see that my life was unmanageable. My world became dark and lonely. I was living a life that was dirty, corrupt and painful. I was surrounded by prostitutes, thieves and I was okay with it. I would steal from my family and rip people off to get mine. During the last year of my addiction I entered a psychosis that I felt was the beginning of the end. I overdosed 2 times, cut off all my hair and pulled out all of my eyebrows. I would hemmorrage from my female parts and avoid seeing a physician. I would hear voices and have conversations with them. I was kicked out of my own home. I started sleeping in parking lots and was given homeless vouchers from the state, allowing me to sleep in motels for up to a week.I gave up and didn’t want to be a mother. I was arrested for being under the influence, in front of my 5 year old daughter. I was taken to jail and when I was released I heard the most heartbreaking news “She’s gone”. Because of my actions my daughter was taken from me by the court and sent to live with her father. I now had weekly supervised visitation and it was mandatory that I enter a drug and alcohol rehabilitation in-patient program.

I was angry but mostly afraid. Afraid to feel and to face the wreckage of my past. I attended a women’s rehab for 3 months and never spoke to my daughter or family the entire time. I was released upon completion of the program and followed up with an after care program. I lived in a women’s sober living for 9 more months before I began to live life. My heart bursts with joy these days. I feel alive, awake and truly blessed. I am in touch with my feelings and appreciate the small things in life. Its been 2 years and 3 months since I stopped living that life and sometimes I forget where I came from. I lived in the depths of hell and lost touch with reality. I’m forever grateful to my family and my higher power for guiding me and supporting me though my journey. I can proudly say I am present for my daughter, friends and family. I am reliable, honest and understanding. Most importantly I am alive and well and my capacity to love has grown tremendously. Thank you God, for believing in me and giving me my space to fit in. Love and Light.

* The top 3 pictures are during my active addiction *

* The bottom 2 pictures are me sober, taken in November 2016*

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Thank you for sharing your story with us Cristina.  I found it quite poignant when you said “I never expected to become a drug addict”.  Like so many of us, we never wake up with the intention to become any of the things we become- or deal with any of the sad, terrifying, or heartbreaking things that sometimes happen to us as we try to navigate our way through this world.  We are simply scared and lost little children looking for value, acceptance and wanting someone to say “you are enough and you have always been enough”.   I am so happy that you are one of the lucky ones…. one of the ones who was able to recover and be a part of your daughters life.  Drug addiction is an ugly demon….turns those we love into people we don’t recognize.  I imagine you will be a beacon of hope to so many others since you have a special understanding of addiction and how to over come it.  You are a beautiful human being, and we are proud to know you.- Kate

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