R E A L I Z A T I O N S
The time has come to realize that I am no longer unequipped. I am now aware of the power I possess. No longer do I need to look outside of me for answers that are so clearly within once I take the time to slow my thoughts and allow my soul to speak. The idea that I NEED anyone is false. The ability to see my friends and family’s perspective can be helpful as an empath but not a beneficial part of my healing and self-growth. It only confuses things for me. Sometimes I wonder why there is a feeling like something is missing from my life, I guess it’s because parts of me kind of shut down. Not in a dysfunctional way but in a social way. Things that used to excite me no longer do, people with whom I have had many laughs with were no longer a funny release for me. I feel like I have been hard to reach, but I think that has been for my own good. I no longer feel a connection to it or them. At this point in my life, I don’t want to risk another minute doing the same old thing or having the same old mindless conversations. Then there are moments where I feel like I am taking things way too seriously. Like I need to lighten up. But where do I draw the line? I don’t want to slip back into old patterns of outdated thoughts, behaviors or actions; undo the tremendous inner work that I am so proud of. It’s huge that I no longer need outside validation. I never thought I’d say that but it’s true. Needing outside validation is one of those things that I felt was ingrained in me since I was a young girl. At this stage in my life, “people pleasing” is the least of my worries. I feel proud to say that because growing up it seemed like that’s all that mattered. “Do this so you can have that” UGH what a twisted mentality. Isolation is necessary when you need to level up.
It’s about time that I embrace my DIVINE BEINGNESS. The fact that now when I look in the mirror and truly, madly, deeply love who I see looking back at me is monumental. I didn’t really care much for her years ago. It took my deepest fears and deeply rooted subconscious thoughts and behaviors in 2011 sending me on a downward spiral into unknown territory. I thought the pain would never end. It never occurred to me that this pain was just me unravelling out of my pit of despair. I complained the entire time till this one day, it was as if I felt reborn. I can’t explain it, it just occurred to me. My divine beingness was once again speaking to and through me. Somehow I had shut her voice out and carried on with my reckless abandonment of myself because it felt better to numb the pain instead of allowing the pain to catapult me into major growth. Why I chose to self- sabotage my healing I will never understand, but of course the signs are everywhere and once I was ready to see them I understood them. I guess I was so adamant about holding onto guilt, shame and anger it just blinded me. I have come to accept myself as a mess and a masterpiece simultaneously. I kind of like the idea that if I don’t like something I can just start over. This is something I remind myself of daily because it can be challenging to unlearn everything I was taught, everything I once held as personal law. I have a new perspective on who I am and what I want. A new sense of confidence I knew was hiding deep down patiently waiting to emerge.
It’s definitely been an emotional crash course these last six years. I am seeing why things happened the way they did and I am seeing the reasons why I was kept out of the loop the way I was, even though I most certainly was a participant. It’s almost like I was lifted out of my body and my soul was shielded by the universe, because I don’t remember all the darkness and pain I survived yet I know very clearly that I did. I know it was very traumatic yet all I see when I remember back is my darkness transmuted into light. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes I have been reborn into a warrior. I used to laugh at statements like this but I guess it takes going through some shit to realize some shit. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. If it doesn’t resonate with me I withdraw from it. Protecting my energy is priority number one. Misery can only affect me if I am not consciously aware of my energetic surroundings. I don’t owe any explanations to anyone. I love experiencing things with this new perspective. Being fully present is giving me the opportunity to see what’s going on around me in a new light. I feel like things are easier the more I surrender to god/universe. It is a little scary but I am learning every day to embrace the uncertainty and trust that my life is being divinely guided.
Anastasia- thank you for sharing. It is easy to self sabotage healing if you don’t realize what it is at the time. We do the best we can with what we have at the moment. Becoming reborn and finally accepting and loving yourself for who you are in your entirety is healing in and of itself. We are divinely guided as you said with an ever present creator who loves us and is aware of our needs and struggles. Once we learn to love the journey because it’s all part of the plan- the freedom that comes from that it unparalleled. – Kate