Black sheep

Some days I tried not to remember my past because it hurts to look back and move forward, but I remember my past is my story and my story is beautiful. I grew up in a small town in South Carolina called St.Stephen , I didn’t have much growing up, my mom went to go join the military and left me with my grandparents in South Carolina. My mom provide what she can , but I didn’t have much. I enjoy the stuff I do have like I had stuff animals not the cute Barbie dolls girls have today and, the old VHS Disney tapes we watch on TV , and my grandmother worked 6 jobs to put food on the table. My father wasn’t an active participant in my life as well. He moved to Georgia after the divorce with my mom and ended up marrying another woman and had a new family. The last time I saw him , he just stopped by my grandmother’s house for gas money and then left. He made numerous promises to visit me or he going to come pick me up to go to Georgia , but he kept breaking them. I remember a lot of rewards I’ve received and plays I starred in at school. I went to the father and daughter dances with my godfather.

11 years gone by, my mother stationed in Virginia , she came to South Carolina to visit me, but who will know that she came with the intentions to take me back to Virginia with her. It broke my grandparents’ heart to see me leave them. My mother wasn’t ready to take care of a child, she didn’t have the patience or experience. I thought going to Virginia was going to give me exposure and change my perspective that there is more than life outside of the small town I’m from.

So I moved to Virginia in my 5th grade year , my mother didn’t remember to pick me up from my school numerous times because she forgot that I was at school. She forgot to book appointments to doctors because I had problems with digestion and it could be cancerous if I don’t get it fixed. And then she got married to man she barely knew, they only knew each other for six months and then got married through the court. He got three kids, twins my age and an older son who was in high school at the time. When I met his kids, they use to bully me and disrespect my mother. While my mother let her husband talk to me like if I was a stray dog. He use to hold me down while my mother grabbed the belt and beat me for getting in trouble. I use to call social services to help me because they were hurting me physically and mentally. And they always threw God in my face when a situation is too hard too handle. I couldn’t understand religion or God at that age because I was too young to know , but I would wonder, why would God want me to hurt like this ?
In my 8th grade year, I was really sick till the point I had to go on homebound from middle school because I was in and out of the hospital because of liver, kidney, and heart problems. I couldn’t barely move , gaining weight from the different medications , and hair loss. I had a minor surgery and I went back to school so I can be able to graduate with my class. My mother sent me to South Carolina that summer before I enter into high school. I met a guy….

I didn’t know much about love because I never really had a father figure to show me what love it is or how to respect myself as a lady.

I knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with him because he lived in South Carolina and I lived in Virginia. He was so handsome in the face and certain sex appeal to him and a nice body from what my eyes can see at the time. We was taking things slow and he was so sweet. He treated me like those Disney princesses I grew up watching. He was only 18 turning 19 and I was 14 turning 15 Then one day….
His attitude has changed , he wasn’t romantic or sweet to me anymore . Even his looks changed. My grandparents’ went somewhere that day , I snuck him in the house and we fell asleep on the couch. I felt him moving while I was sleeping and I heard paper rattling, then I felt his finger went in my nose and I woke up . I was looking at him weird and I was wiping my nose and I looked at my hand , I see a white coated substance and got me feeling like I was in a different world . When I tried to stand up , I felt so dizzy , I almost fell. He caught me , but for some reason , I started feeling good .
Since that day, we started using drugs. We started using cocaine , popping trippies aka molly , drinking lean with cough syrup. The more we use drugs , the more intense our arguments became. One time , we was using drugs , he forced his self on me , I wasn’t ready for sex. I kept pushing him off of me , and then he slapped me and then got on top of me. I lost so much weight from using drugs so I was to weak to fight back . I cried at the pain I was receiving from him.

Then later on that week , me and him got into a big fight , he stabbed a lead pencil in my upper thigh and my grandmother came in while we was fighting and try to break the fight up. Since that day , we didn’t talk. Two weeks later , I ran into this Caucasian female I use to go to school when I use to live in South Carolina , her belly looked like she ate a whole basketball. She asked was I still dating the guy . I told her “yeah”. She said she was 7 months pregnant with his child. I ran home crying because it hurt so much that the guy I loved , had lied to me and manipulated me.
I went home and pull out all the drugs I had left in my drawers . I wouldn’t come out my room for days, only just to use the bathroom . I didn’t want to go to church with my grandmother because I didn’t feel comfortable being high in church. One day I remember all the pain people caused in my life , I took all the drugs at the same time, I overdosed. I was closer to death than I expected , I felt my spirit crying out and leaving my body. I overdose on so much drugs , I passed out, my grandmother found me on the floor and took me to the hospital so they can pump the drugs out of me .
I could’ve been dead and my grandparents’ didn’t tell my mother because they want me to come down there to visit them because they miss me, Their love nurture me back to health. I went back to Virginia with tears in my eyes because I miss my family in South Carolina and all the pain my parents’ caused me and my old relationship , I started high school in Virginia.
4 years pass by in high school, the constant arguments with my mom . My mom finding out that I lost my virginity and she calling me whore and slut. The sleepless nights because of my mom and her husband brutal arguments , they were yelling and throwing stuff at each other and slamming doors in the middle of the night. I wanted to go to college in south Carolina , but my parents believed I was going to be pregnant and unfocused when I go to South Carolina. So I applied to colleges in Virginia and Penn State. I got accepted in all the schools, I went to the school that was far away from my mother and her husband.

I attend to Radford University, I try to avoid contact with my mother because every time I do call , she always putting me down and threatening me to cut off my tuition in school.
The last time I saw my mother was August 29th, 2015 , she threw pillows, food, and a remote controller at me in the parking lot in front of everybody that attend the college with me and I was embarrassed. For thanksgiving break, I went to visit my family at home instead of going to Virginia because my mother said she doesn’t want to deal with making dinner this year , so I went to south Carolina and her husbands’ kids stayed with their mother. And I did called on Thanksgiving to wish her happy thanksgiving ,but no one picked up. My mother called my grandparents’ later on that day and say she was sleeping the whole day. I went back to college that week with my grandparents. I was sleeping in the car on the ride back with my grandparents , my stepfather kept calling my phone and when I picked up , I put him on speaker in front of my grandparents. He literally said “Those people in South Carolina do nothing for you “, in front of everybody in the car.
That’s when I made the decision to withdraw from Radford University and go back home to South Carolina to finish my schooling. I’m working as a Associate at WalMart raising money for textbooks Claflin University, one of the top HBCU’s. I’m trying to become a fashion/make up blogger, model, and entrepreneur. I promise myself I’m going to leave my mark in this world somehow. People going to remember my name and my story. I’m going to become the Beyoncé of modeling.
I chose the subject the black sheep because it’s rare to find the black sheep in the midst of a flock of white sheep , but when you do find the black sheep , you’ll realize how special that sheep is. There is a bunch of black sheep in this world like me , but can’t tell their story because they are afraid or embarrassed. I just want to let them know , they are not alone.

Those black sheep usually are some of the prettiest damn sheep in existence.  Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story.  I love that despite everything you have been through you are still fighting for yourself and your future.  I am grateful that you’ve had your sweet grandparents in your life that have loved you and taken care of you.  I am sorry for the trials and pain you have endured, but I love your attitude of knowing how special you are.  I believe you when you say you are going to leave your mark on this world.  I know you will and I can’t wait to see.  – Kate

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