Putting pieces together after betrayal…

A few weeks ago, I realized some devastating information that literally changed my world.  I had to endure the pain of being lied to from someone I’ve known for a very long time.  I felt misled, used and misunderstood.  This news angered me.  I was pissed and wanted revenge immediately.  I felt betrayed and couldn’t figure out why it was being done this way to me. I was broken, my world shaken and I couldn’t get out of the pain.  I cried for days and in spurts with lots of moments of sadness.. My thoughts ran wild like a raging horse that couldn’t get free.  I wanted my inner peace back but it was certainly disturbed by the devastation.  I hadn’t felt pain like this in about 6 months after we made our decision to divorce and I didn’t expect this Phase 2 to happen because I was doing so well thus far.  I wanted my life back and my joy was disrupted.  There was a huge connection to someone I thought was my friend that I had to break again.  I didn’t want to let go.  I wanted to be chosen and to work on things but I was rejected.

I got up everyday for the next 2 weeks in pain inside of me.  MY heart was broken again. I couldn’t figure out how to get out of it.  I wondered why this was happening this way,  What did I do to get myself into the situation and I wanted out but as days went on, the pain still stayed.  I had to go away for work to a fabulous city and I didn’t even get to really enjoy it because of the pain I felt inside.  I put on my mask for work and I knew I was being less than my normal joyful self.  I didn’t work on any of my personal projects I was working on previously.  I was losing time and not making the most of my days. Yet, I never stopped fighting.  The thing about joy, when you have it inside, your outside circumstances don’t matter.  Meaning if you have joy in your heart, you can be going through the roughest and worst time in your life but the joy will never die.  It reminds me of a light burning inside that can never be put out because you keep it alive in your heart.  My joy wouldn’t allow me to completely give up.  I was hurt but I wasn’t dead.  I was broken but I was not defeated.  I was in pain but my heart still loves.  I was rejected but my mind was still could look forward to a bright future.  I knew I would get out of it.

Finally the day came where I ran out of options.  I thought back to Phase 1 and what I did to get out of it but I wasn’t consistent plus this was a whole new lesson,  I decided to surrender the situation to God. This is key! I wish I would have thought of this a week ago. I gave it to God…the thoughts, the situation.  I spoke it and said have your way. A day or two later, I had the worst night.  I cried all night, the pain inside was heavy on my heart. I wanted to quit but my inner joy wouldn’t let me.  I had to rebuke many thoughts.  I cried and cried and cried.  I had no shame or ego in my pain.  I reached out to wise friends with my vulnerability.  it was something I hadn’t done before.  I didn’t care if I looked weak because I certainly felt weak.  I didn’t care if I was judged.  I selected the right support of friends to tell and I kept that circle very short.  I needed their words of encouragement.  I needed their insight and understanding. I felt slightly better.  it was enough to get me through the night.  I was happy to go to sleep because I hoped the next day the pain would be less but I woke up with the pain and I could not fully rest.  I picked up the phone and called the accuser because I woke up convicted to FIX this.  I had to do whatever it took to fix this because I couldn’t live like this anymore. I called once, no answer.  The pain still running deep.  I just needed to hear that voice and work this out.  At that point, it didn’t matter what they did to me.  It didn’t matter that I was used.  it didn’t matter that my pain seemed greater. I understand that my purpose was more important than my pain and I had to begin serving my purpose again and I couldn’t endure this anymore.  I call back shortly after the first call and he answers….relief.  I removed my defenses and became a servant.  I spoke, what can I do to fix this. It was one of the first times I asked this even when I felt I didn’t do anything wrong but I allowed myself to get to this point so I took responsibility.  I got here somehow.  it didn’t just happen.  Life doesn’t just happen.  I couldn’t blame him anymore.  I apologized and begged for forgiveness with what I did. I asked for forgiveness for the things I did and for the gifts I have and didn’t give anyway because of selfishness. He told me what he needed and forgave me although we’ve been down this road before.  He needed help and I had to be willing to help him despite the circumstances.  I needed to make up for what I did and didn’t do and make this right.  i wanted the pain to end.  I said Yes I will do these things, what else?  He told me something else.  I said Yes, I will do it.  The pain was too deep and I wanted out.  I was convicted, my heart was pure and my ego was shed.  This had to be done.  I said thank you and we hung up the phone.

Shortly after, about an hour or so later, I was set FREE.  I was back.  The heavy weight had been lifted.  Thank GOD!!! I realized on my way to work that day, I needed that lesson.  The lesson was to make things right despite what you think someone did to you. You played a part in the situation as well.  I hurt someone close to me many years ago and they never recovered.  Even though I hurt them I thought I was doing the right thing at the time for myself and my family.  Even though what I did was an instruction from God, I did not respond the way I should have and it hurt him deeply to this day.  I needed to fix that and do whatever it took to release that pain by offering to help him today. It didn’t matter anymore that he hurt me deeply in return, he moved on physically without me.  None of that mattered anymore because my pain was so great and I needed to do whatever it takes to release that pain in order to heal myself.  Phase 2 was over Wednesday, October 22nd, 2015 around 9:30 am and I am the happiest I’ve been in a while.  It was worth the lesson. Let me tell you a bit about Phase 1.  It was excruciating pain.  I was hurt, confused, misguided and my heart was completely broken.  Yet, the moment, I changed my thoughts to myself and focused on all the things that I did that got me here and took responsibility for those things, life got easier.  Each day, the pain was lessened. My thoughts because more clear.  I started doing I AM affirmations and I became stronger. I worked on my mind and discovered new power that I didn’t even realize had.  I had hope again.  This phase was imperative in my healing and I learned a lot of things that made it all worthwhile. Thanks for reading love lessons.

– See more at: http://www.jamieenglish.org/self-love/home/#sthash.oknH5ZIf.dpuf

Jamie- Thank you for sharing your story.  It’s funny how we learn lessons in life.  It always comes through and after the tough battles and trials of our faith.  Once you make it through to the other side, it doesn’t seem so dark and hopeless- but it is excruciating while you are going through it.  I, myself have had my world rocked this week.  I’m not writing about it just yet because i’m still trying to process it- but already I can see God’s hand in everything.  Life is in the details, and all these challenges are for a greater purpose and a greater plan.  That is not something I believe- that is something I KNOW.    It takes a strong yet humble woman to take responsibility and apologize and seek forgiveness from the person she felt betrayed her- and yet I think that’s what Jesus was getting at in his prayer when he said:  “Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name……forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” Obviously that’s not the whole prayer but the part I wanted to focus on.    You’ll notice the Lord puts a condition on one item in the prayer. The forgiveness and freedom from our eternal debts depends on our repenting of the sin of failing to love those who have mistreated us.  You are a good example of what it is to try to love and seek forgiveness from someone who has hurt you.  Thank you for your example.  We wish you all the happiness that this life has to offer. – Kate

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